Ask Kate & other non-sense

Yesterday I realized that I had really accomplished something. Last year I woke up on the day after Valentiene’s Day with a black eye. When I tell this story, people usually think I said black guy, but no. I said black eye. We never figured out for sure how I got that mysterious black eye, but it looked like somebody clocked me right on my cheek bone.

My friend Jolene and I started out our Anti-Valentine’s Day celebration of 2008 at Texas Land and Cattle for Thirsty Thursday. I remember having 2 margaritas and a shot of Patron. Then we headed to Sherlocks, where we proceeded to consume massive amounts of alcohol. I know we had several royal fucks. I had a lot of Crown and coke. I had a couple more shots of Patron. You see I was all dressed up, so a bunch of idiot guys kept wanting to buy me drinks. I’d make them buy us both a drink and then we’d drink it and either tell them we were dykes or just walk off before they even finished their drink.

I just kept drinking and I was not getting drunk so I finally switched to beer. Mixing beer and liquor usually helps me achieve my optimum level of beligerence. Towards the end of the night I started feeling pretty good. I made out with every girl at our table. Then I danced around by myself and snatched some guy’s shirt from his back. I took his shirt and pretended to dry my back with it like a towel and then I ran it back and forth in between my legs. When I returned his shirt, his girlfriend was pretty pissed!

Well they finally closed the bar at 2 am and made us leave, so we headed for the door and the guy grabs Jolene’s keys and says she’s not driving. Then he looks at me and says, You’re not driving! So my other friend, Kristy is sober and she drives us back to her place but then we have to navigate ourselves home. We could not figure out where the exit gate was. We drove around her apartment complex crying for 30 minutes and she wouldn’t come help us find the gate, so we finally got the idea that if we rammed the entry gate, it would open. So we rammed the gate, it didn’t open. We put it in reverse and rammed the gate again. It still didn’t open but then we saw the exit gate.

So we finally get out and head back to Jolene’s apartment. I think we stopped at a gas station along the way, but I’m not sure. We got back to her apartment and we see this thing caught under the tire. It was 2:30 am and before we went to bed, we wanted to make sure that we got it off. So we start pulling on it, and it’s stuck! We’re pulling and pulling. Our hands are black and we can’t get this shit off. So Jolene goes inside and comes out with a hammer and a pair of scissors.

We hammer away at this mother fucker and it’s a chunk of something. Some kind of chunk is stuck under the tire! We are determined to get it off, so finally I took the scissors and cut it off. Then we said, Yay! We got it! So we thru that chunk of shit into the bushes and went inside. I tried to heat up some month old moldy lasagna but my friend saved me before I ate it.

I woke up the next morning 15 minutes before I had to be at work. Perfect. I realized that my face hurt, so I looked in the mirror. Sure enough, I have a huge black eye! So no shower, no face wash, no teeth brush. Reeking like smoke and booze in the same clothes I wore to the bar the night before, I go straight to work with my black eye. We had some theories but never completely figured out how I got that black eye. I think I got hit and I’m not sure, but I think I might have possibly punched a dude and broke his nose. That black eye lasted about 2 weeks. I looked pretty white trash.

Oh yeah, about that chunk. On my way to my car I realized that the fender is missing on my friend’s car. Oops! It turns out that thing we cut off had actually been attached to the car. We also found out later that the apartment complex had a surveillance camera. Not only did we ram the gate, but we also got out and did a victory dance around the car.

Okay, so maybe I got in a fist fight with some dude last Valentine’s Day. Okay, maybe that’s a little bit trashy. That was a whole year ago. I haven’t done anything like that since then. Okay maybe later in the year I did put out my cigarette in another guy’s shirt at Sherlocks, but that doesn’t count. I didn’t even hit him. He just wouldn’t get out of my face. My friend, Mike always says to get me out of the bar before closing time because when I get around the other drunks, there’s going to be a problem.

But overall, this was a pretty great Valentine’s Day.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent & the guilty

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